Admin Angel

Hey you. You in admin... yeah you. You know who you are!!

I adore you.

I don't know what you did to my husband's hours.... that made you feel bad.... and prompted you to make these....



I don't know what you did... but feel free to do it again.

Mmmmmm.....

Night Night

My kids new bedtime prayer goes a little something like this:

Now I lay me down to sleep (slight giggling starts)....

I pray the Lord my soul to keep (giggling gets slightly louder)....

If I should DIAPER (uncontrollable laughter begins).

And then we attempt to finish the prayer twenty mores times before mommy just gives up, and says it for them.

*Oh, the prayer really goes like this (minus the uncontrollable laughter): Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should DIE BEFORE I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

It's never a dull moment in my house. Not even at bedtime.

Speaking of bedtime, when it comes to sleep my boys do that twin thing. You know, where they mirror each other. My husband always says that no matter what, at some point they always end up sleeping in the same posistion. At first I thought he was crazy. But then one night there was no denying it. He's right. (But don't tell him I admitted that!)

Both in the same posistion, heads facing towards the foot of the bed. Yes, Devin insists on sleeping with his Spongbob Crocs in the bed with him. And why yes, that IS a huge crack in Devin's solid wood bed he managed to break. And yes, it is being held together with a purple milk crate and a toolbox. =) I'm a mom of many talents. But me, wood glue, and screws don't mix!

Devin totally gets me...

Finally someone understands me. Finally. Thank you, Devin. I love you son.

And just when I think I can get some sympathy from one of my kids, that same kid goes and does this...

This should just be Devin's blog...

...I mean because afterall, here lately, he's been the star.

Devin... sweetie... I know that you really want bunkbeds.

But this is ridiculous.

Fat girls can move fast, too.

Today I have proven that fat girls can run, too. And I mean hustle. Of course I did not do this by my own free will. It was adrenaline induced. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why. Devin came up missing. Missing, I tell ya. Gone. As in under no bed, in no bathroom, in no closet, not in the backyard, not in the front yard. Doors were locked still. Windows are shut. Where in the hell is my kid? Fear sets in. Someone took him. But how? The doors are locked. Oh my gosh, my worst fears have come true. Devin! Deeeeevin! OH, Deeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvin. Devin!! DEVIN!! DEEEEEEVIN! Now Morgan and Kyle are crying. Why? Because momma is crying. Celeste, I can't find Devin. But, he was just in here with me a few minutes ago. Well now he's gone.
Now everybody's looking. Me, Morgan, Kyle, and Celeste. So I run outside. And I mean run, book it to the corner. No sign of a wandering kid anywhere. Then I hear Celeste scream... 'I found him! Hurry, mom! Come quick!' More fears set in. Why do I have to hurry? Is he hurt? CALL 911 Celeste!!! So, I get there and this damn girl is smiling. Smiling. Why are you smiling? THIS IS NOT FUNNY!! Now she's laughing. Which infuriates me. I'm still in panic mode. Where is he??? She leads me to a room. And this is where the little turd is...."

Jayden

Man, it has been a while since I've written on here. Time has really gotten away from me. I'm starting back now. And why not with a nice, depressing story for you all. Lol - sorry. So, yesterday was a rough day for me. I had written about it here, but not published it. Now I guess I will, because afterall, writing is my therapy. Get yer snot rags out.

You know, for the most part, when it comes to dicussing Jayden, I'm a pretty strong person. I can handle conversation about him well. I can explain his story, and hope it gets to the right person and help someone. I brag about my baby and his dark, piercing eyes. And how his stares would make me blush and look way. I know my baby is in a better place. He is with our Lord, His Father, my Father, your Father. Maybe once a year, it gets to me. All the strength I've held in for 364 days, comes out that one lonely 365th day. Which is usually around the time of his passing. But this August came and went, and I remained strong. I was quite proud of myself. Maybe I'm getting better at this mourning. It has been 3 yrs. after all. Then comes today. Exactly 15 minutes ago to be exact. I realized, today is that day. Day 365. And now I am a bawling, blubbering, boo hooing mess. Weird how it happened. He's been the topic of conversation all day. His name kept coming today alot. In a photoshoot this morning, they asked about my necklace which has his picture. At Krogers earlier when the same necklace I always wear (that never gets noticed), was asked about again. The kids mentioned their brother Jayden today too. And how he was in Heaven with Micheal Jackson. At the ball park, a woman I never spoke to, felt the urge to tell me her kid had reflux pretty bad. The story of Jayden soon came out. I knew I was in trouble then. I caught myself choking up as I was talking to her. Something I never do when I discuss him. But I shook it off, and changed the subject. I said to myself, well, once you get home you'll be fine. But I don't even remember making the drive home. My eyes were glazed over with tears the whole way, and I could barely see straight. I tried singing Humpty Dumpty with the kids to get my mind off of him. That seemed to work once we reached our street. We made it home safely, thank you Jesus. Did our nightly routine of dinner, baths, prayers, bedtime. Except tonight, Morgan decides to include Jayden in her prayers (and Micheal Jackson). Still being strong I say, well, let me check my emails. There's a message from a beautiful friend of mine. Attached is the story of another mom who wants to celebrate her deceased son with his siblings for their 2nd birthday. And my friend wants to know do I have any ideas for this mom. Of course I do! I celebrate Jayden's life all the time. It was then, while explaining just how we do that, that I got sad. Sad to tell how we celebrate his life. Something I am usually boastful about. His short life that is now gone. And then the tears just flow. Just streaming down my face. I hate feeling this way. I never doubt God and His decision. However, this is the one day of the year I feel so selfish, and I can't hold back. This is the day I want my baby back. I want to celebrate his LIFE on his birthday with him HERE. Not his memory. And then I get pissed off and even more sad, because I have one picture of him. ONE PICTURE. Plenty of him in the NICU but only one of my baby. My baby with no tubes. No monitor. No siblings. Just my Jayden. Propped up looking so sweet. Like the picture of the little cherub angel sleeping on his arms. That angers me. And it makes me sad. It angers me that when he came home Thursday night, I didn't pickup my camera then. I took my time with him for granted. It makes me sad, because he died the next day. Oh, tomorrow I will be fine. And go back to being strong for another 364 days, God willing. But for today... right now... it hurts.