Friday, October 9, 2009

Jayden

Man, it has been a while since I've written on here. Time has really gotten away from me. I'm starting back now. And why not with a nice, depressing story for you all. Lol - sorry. So, yesterday was a rough day for me. I had written about it here, but not published it. Now I guess I will, because afterall, writing is my therapy. Get yer snot rags out.

You know, for the most part, when it comes to dicussing Jayden, I'm a pretty strong person. I can handle conversation about him well. I can explain his story, and hope it gets to the right person and help someone. I brag about my baby and his dark, piercing eyes. And how his stares would make me blush and look way. I know my baby is in a better place. He is with our Lord, His Father, my Father, your Father. Maybe once a year, it gets to me. All the strength I've held in for 364 days, comes out that one lonely 365th day. Which is usually around the time of his passing. But this August came and went, and I remained strong. I was quite proud of myself. Maybe I'm getting better at this mourning. It has been 3 yrs. after all. Then comes today. Exactly 15 minutes ago to be exact. I realized, today is that day. Day 365. And now I am a bawling, blubbering, boo hooing mess. Weird how it happened. He's been the topic of conversation all day. His name kept coming today alot. In a photoshoot this morning, they asked about my necklace which has his picture. At Krogers earlier when the same necklace I always wear (that never gets noticed), was asked about again. The kids mentioned their brother Jayden today too. And how he was in Heaven with Micheal Jackson. At the ball park, a woman I never spoke to, felt the urge to tell me her kid had reflux pretty bad. The story of Jayden soon came out. I knew I was in trouble then. I caught myself choking up as I was talking to her. Something I never do when I discuss him. But I shook it off, and changed the subject. I said to myself, well, once you get home you'll be fine. But I don't even remember making the drive home. My eyes were glazed over with tears the whole way, and I could barely see straight. I tried singing Humpty Dumpty with the kids to get my mind off of him. That seemed to work once we reached our street. We made it home safely, thank you Jesus. Did our nightly routine of dinner, baths, prayers, bedtime. Except tonight, Morgan decides to include Jayden in her prayers (and Micheal Jackson). Still being strong I say, well, let me check my emails. There's a message from a beautiful friend of mine. Attached is the story of another mom who wants to celebrate her deceased son with his siblings for their 2nd birthday. And my friend wants to know do I have any ideas for this mom. Of course I do! I celebrate Jayden's life all the time. It was then, while explaining just how we do that, that I got sad. Sad to tell how we celebrate his life. Something I am usually boastful about. His short life that is now gone. And then the tears just flow. Just streaming down my face. I hate feeling this way. I never doubt God and His decision. However, this is the one day of the year I feel so selfish, and I can't hold back. This is the day I want my baby back. I want to celebrate his LIFE on his birthday with him HERE. Not his memory. And then I get pissed off and even more sad, because I have one picture of him. ONE PICTURE. Plenty of him in the NICU but only one of my baby. My baby with no tubes. No monitor. No siblings. Just my Jayden. Propped up looking so sweet. Like the picture of the little cherub angel sleeping on his arms. That angers me. And it makes me sad. It angers me that when he came home Thursday night, I didn't pickup my camera then. I took my time with him for granted. It makes me sad, because he died the next day. Oh, tomorrow I will be fine. And go back to being strong for another 364 days, God willing. But for today... right now... it hurts.

1 comment:

Priscila said...

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