Jayden

Man, it has been a while since I've written on here. Time has really gotten away from me. I'm starting back now. And why not with a nice, depressing story for you all. Lol - sorry. So, yesterday was a rough day for me. I had written about it here, but not published it. Now I guess I will, because afterall, writing is my therapy. Get yer snot rags out.

You know, for the most part, when it comes to dicussing Jayden, I'm a pretty strong person. I can handle conversation about him well. I can explain his story, and hope it gets to the right person and help someone. I brag about my baby and his dark, piercing eyes. And how his stares would make me blush and look way. I know my baby is in a better place. He is with our Lord, His Father, my Father, your Father. Maybe once a year, it gets to me. All the strength I've held in for 364 days, comes out that one lonely 365th day. Which is usually around the time of his passing. But this August came and went, and I remained strong. I was quite proud of myself. Maybe I'm getting better at this mourning. It has been 3 yrs. after all. Then comes today. Exactly 15 minutes ago to be exact. I realized, today is that day. Day 365. And now I am a bawling, blubbering, boo hooing mess. Weird how it happened. He's been the topic of conversation all day. His name kept coming today alot. In a photoshoot this morning, they asked about my necklace which has his picture. At Krogers earlier when the same necklace I always wear (that never gets noticed), was asked about again. The kids mentioned their brother Jayden today too. And how he was in Heaven with Micheal Jackson. At the ball park, a woman I never spoke to, felt the urge to tell me her kid had reflux pretty bad. The story of Jayden soon came out. I knew I was in trouble then. I caught myself choking up as I was talking to her. Something I never do when I discuss him. But I shook it off, and changed the subject. I said to myself, well, once you get home you'll be fine. But I don't even remember making the drive home. My eyes were glazed over with tears the whole way, and I could barely see straight. I tried singing Humpty Dumpty with the kids to get my mind off of him. That seemed to work once we reached our street. We made it home safely, thank you Jesus. Did our nightly routine of dinner, baths, prayers, bedtime. Except tonight, Morgan decides to include Jayden in her prayers (and Micheal Jackson). Still being strong I say, well, let me check my emails. There's a message from a beautiful friend of mine. Attached is the story of another mom who wants to celebrate her deceased son with his siblings for their 2nd birthday. And my friend wants to know do I have any ideas for this mom. Of course I do! I celebrate Jayden's life all the time. It was then, while explaining just how we do that, that I got sad. Sad to tell how we celebrate his life. Something I am usually boastful about. His short life that is now gone. And then the tears just flow. Just streaming down my face. I hate feeling this way. I never doubt God and His decision. However, this is the one day of the year I feel so selfish, and I can't hold back. This is the day I want my baby back. I want to celebrate his LIFE on his birthday with him HERE. Not his memory. And then I get pissed off and even more sad, because I have one picture of him. ONE PICTURE. Plenty of him in the NICU but only one of my baby. My baby with no tubes. No monitor. No siblings. Just my Jayden. Propped up looking so sweet. Like the picture of the little cherub angel sleeping on his arms. That angers me. And it makes me sad. It angers me that when he came home Thursday night, I didn't pickup my camera then. I took my time with him for granted. It makes me sad, because he died the next day. Oh, tomorrow I will be fine. And go back to being strong for another 364 days, God willing. But for today... right now... it hurts.

Reflux Sux.

So, I'm a little emotional today. It probably wasn't a good idea to read blogs of other people's losses. It only reminded me of my own personal hurt. I guess now, while I'm already upset, would be a good time to tell you about my Jayden. Our Jayden. In an earlier blog I briefly stressed to you the importance of having a second opinion if your child has reflux. But I never got to go into detail why. As luck would have it, when we had the quads, all three of the boys were born with the most terrible case of reflux. The first 2 months that they stayed in the NICU, it wasn't really obvious. They were tube fed for awhile until their vitals and health was more stable. Well, they were born healthy babies, but being preemies delayed their progress some. Once they were able to be bottle fed, the reflux started to show. It was still very minimal though. That's because they were only eating an ounce or two at a time. Before they were released, they had to go through lots of tests to make sure the reflux wasn't serious, and that they could keep their food down. Morgan, Kyle, and Devin were the first to come home. Jayden was still small and they wanted to keep him a few more days. But he came home the week after. The first night, the very first night, Devin had what we would later nickname as, an "episode". An episode was when they would throw up projectile vomit. Only sometimes, it would result in them inhaling the vomit and choking on it. Choking to the point it knocked them unconscious. They would turn blue and their noses would start to bleed. All we could do to save them was call 911 then proceed with CPR. We've had to do CPR on each of our boys at least three times. Each time was life threatening. The ambulance soon learned the route to the house & knew when they got a call from us, they needed to get there immediately. All three boys went back and forth into the NICU for the next 2 months. And every time it seemed to get worse. We had Morgan, Devin, and Kyle home, and Jayden was finally coming home after his last episode. But before that, we had a meeting with the head of NICU. He wanted to talk to us about the severity of the reflux. We asked for this meeting because we had lots of questions. Why was this happening, and what could we do? We had heard about a surgery called a Fundoplication, and asked him about it. He assured us that was not the right route to take, and the boys would grow out of it by the time they turned one. The surgery was a big step and would have complications for them later in life. Which was to no longer be able to vomit. He thought we would regret that decision as they got older. We trusted his every word. And that is what we regret. We finally brought Jayden home on Thursday night. August 17, 2006. I'll never forget Friday morning. I was ecstatic to finally have all four of them home at the same time. Two months old was the last time we had them all home like that. Then due to episodes, it seemed that when someone was coming home, someone was going in. Until that Thursday night. Thursday night they all slept together. Friday morning my husband and I were on cloud 9. Basking in the glow of seeing our miracles all together. We took a few pictures of them all sleeping and I said I'd take more later. I never got that chance. And I hate myself everyday for it. I remember holding Jayden and Kyle. We were on the couch playing, when it happened. Jayden vomited. Alot. My husband jumped up and got the suction machine ready to help clear his nose and throat. But this time it was different. It didn't work. He started to turn blue. Then came the nose bleed. I knew what was next. CPR. I lay him on the floor and proceed with CPR while they get 911 on the phone. But this time it was different. Like he knew he was going to die. I'll never forget his face. He locked eyes with me, and stared at me the whole time. His eyes were piercing. They intimidated me on more than one occasion. They had a power about them. It sounds weird, but it's true. I felt so helpless. I just kept doing CPR, but I couldn't get his breath back. Why can't I do this? I've done it so many times before. They always start breathing by now. Why won't he breathe? My mind raced as I tried desperately to save my baby. I could see my child dying. He couldn't breathe, and he just stared at me while I tried and tried to save his life. The paramedic soon arrived and pushed me to the side and took over where I left off. He couldn't get him to breathe either. Jayden lay there with a lifeless body, but still alive. And NEVER took his eyes off me. Those eyes haunt me to this day. Paramedics were still doing CPR as they whisked him out to the ambulance. That ambulance didn't move for a while. That alone scared me. So you can imagine my relief to see it drive away. My husband followed them. I knew Jayden was in big trouble. But I wouldn't believe it, and I convinced myself this was just another episode, and he was just going back to the NICU, then would be home. Just like the other times. I was in denial. I kept my mind off the worst by folding laundry, cleaning, or talking on the phone. But refusing to talk about Jayden. My husband calls me an hour later to tell me he still hasn't regained consciousness and they are still working on him. He'll breathe, then stop. They are having to breathe for him. My mother in law comes over to help me with the others. I still won't let my worry show. I keep busy. My husband is not checking in regularly. I took that as good news. So did mom. She left. My husband calls to tell me my brother in law is there with him. Which makes me feel a little better knowing he isn't alone. I had an opportunity to go to the hospital with him. But something held me back. Perhaps God. My husband tells me that a team from Texas Children's Hospital has arrived to transfer Jayden to their hospital. He tells me that they're putting him in the ambulance now. He'll call from Texas Children's. This was good news. Heck, this was great news, Texas Children's is the best. He's gonna be all right. 10 minutes later, the love of my life, has to make what was probably the hardest call ever. To tell me, "We lost him. He's gone." Shock took over. I was still in denial. "No, no, no, no, NO! No he's not!" My screams were piercing. Neighbors later told me they could hear me from inside their house. I couldn't believe it. This wasn't happening. This is not how it's supposed to turn out. Keldron explained what happened. As they were loading him into the ambulance, he stopped breathing again. The doctor had to puncture his lung with a straw like needle to help get air to it. That held him for a few minutes. But he stopped breathing again, and they couldn't revive him. And through this hard news, I'm home alone. I'm getting the worst news of my life and no one is there. No one to hug me, comfort me, or help me. I begged Keldron to hurry home. When we hung up, my denial turned to rage. I looked around and could see my denial everywhere. My clean dishes, my straightened bookshelves, and even the now organized baby room. I was pissed at my denial. Had I not been in so much denial, I could have prepared myself for this. I tore my denial up. I broke those dishes I'd cleaned, instead of worrying. I knocked down the books I'd straightened, instead of talking about it. I destroyed the baby room I'd organized, instead of praying. Then, I just sat in the middle of the floor and cried. I forgot I had three more children that needed me in the living room. I didn't even care. My oldest children arrived home minutes after that call. I had to tell them. Their worry for me is what calmed me. My 8 yr old told me, "Don't cry mommy. Jayden can see you. You have to show him your happy cause he's gonna go with Jesus." The very same thing I told him when his turtle died. Every grieving parent knows how my next week went. Not having the strength to get up. Nor to eat. No more tears to cry, but was still crying. I was tired of being comforted by visitors I didn't want. I was negative on every level and wasn't afraid to show it. But not toward God. Not once did I ever question Him why. Because I know that there is a God, and He has a reason for everything. The day of the funeral was the worst, and the best. It was hot and humid that day. The worst day for a funeral. I couldn't believe I was burying my baby. When it was time to leave his coffin, I just threw myself over him in a last ditch effort to have one last hug. I wrapped my arms around that coffin and cried to him, and told him just how much he meant to me. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I had to. It was time. And as we were walking to the car, it was as though Jayden gave us a sign that he was alright. A sign that he was with the Lord. My husband and I turned back one last time. My husband hugged me and held me tight. At that moment, there was the most peaceful silence. And the coolest breeze came rushing through. It was like we knew he was trying to tell us goodbye. I cried again. But it was a different cry. An almost joyous cry. I felt a calmness come over me. And I could literally feel the weight come off my shoulders. I felt light, and airy. My husband said he felt the exact same way. From that point on, I have had nothing but a positive spirit when it comes to Jayden's death. I know God needed him to be home. I mourn, I cry, and I miss him, but I know He had a reason. And I Thank God for choosing my child. His child. Because this has given me the strive and passion to be a better Christian. To live right. So that I can make it to the gates of Heaven, to be with my baby Jayden again. One week after Jayden's funeral, Devin had an episode. It was not a serious one. But now, the NICU decided to take no more chances. an said bring Kyle in too. They were going to give them a Fundoplication. When Kyle got there, he went through many pre-op tests. They discovered his lungs were 75% full of fluid. Had Devin not had an episode, and been rushed to the ER, which prompted the decision for surgery, Kyle would have died the same exact way as Jayden. If your baby has reflux, or your friends baby has reflux, or even if your neighbors baby has reflux... please point them this way. Or tell them how, what should have been a simple case of reflux, took our baby's life. If their doctor told them, "he'll grow out of it". Take him to get a second opinion. My husband and I took it upon our self to call a G.I. doctor. Deep down, we knew that thes repeat episodes were not normal. Even though the NICU doctor was confident he would grow out of it. His appointment would have been the day of his funeral. Our pediatrician never got to treat Jayden while he was in NICU. But he studied his case well, and visited him many times while he was in the NICU. Even he is angered to know something could have been done sooner. He his angered to know it was brushed off as simple reflux. Even though it hospitalized each boy on more than one occasion. He explained to me that he passed from asphyxiation. He suffocated from his own vomit. Jayden's lungs were full to the top with fluids from vomiting so much, and inhaling little by little. And that when they attempted CPR that last time, there was no more room for air. Had we followed our instincts, and gotten that second opinion sooner, Jayden might be here with us today.

Before & After

God Bless the person that invented gel.

Kyle, don't cry over spilt milk...

... unless you were spitting it into the air, just so it can fall back down and hit you in the face.

My Monkey

You know how monkeys like to pick up their own poop an throw it? So does Devin.

It's Debbie's Fault!

A very rare occasion happened today. Morgan and Devin took it upon themselves to sit on the potty today. Big deal, right? Yes it is! I have been trying to get these kids in some undies for months now. Man, I've tried it all. Videos, stickers, candy, and even bribes. Nothing. So I stuck a potty in the living room. Maybe if they see it, they'll play with it, learn it, and like it. So today, I was on the phone with my good ol' buddy, Debbie, and walk past Morgan and see her sitting on the potty. I was ecstatic. And Debbie, who knows my struggles, was on the phone to hear it all go down. Morgan had ripped off her pamper and sat there on the potty. Even Devin was standing in front of her trying to get his pamper off too. Being the sweet sister she is, Morgan went ahead and ripped it off for him. Meantime, I'm still on the phone with Debaroo. Now, me and her talk just about everyday. And each conversation is as though we haven't seen each other in years, and are just catching up. Which, does not work to my advantage. I learned, the hard way, that I probably shouldn't be on the phone with her during vital times of the day. Like, when the kids are awake. Anyway, when I realize there's one potty, and two willing kids, I quickly whisk them off to the bathroom. And there they sat. Side by side.

"Now sit there together and go potty," I say. "Mommy will be right back".

I went back to the living room and got distracted by my friends great conversation. So great, that I forgot what we were talking about. (Sorry Deb - I still luv ya). Well shoot, if you had a night like mine, you'd forget too! Maybe 5 minutes later I remember the kids on the potty. Well, what reminded me was the constant giggling. I figure I betta go check this out. Yes, Debbie was still in tow. Moral of the story:

Get Yo Butt Off The Phone And Tend To Yo Children!!

And here's why...

Upon walking to the restroom I smelt the sweet scent of mango & papaya. Knowing that's not what poop smells like, I knew something was up. Then I see Devin's head.

Look at that 'Oliver' face. "Please may I have some more porridge?" Sorry. Couldn't resist.

One question. Okay, two. How did he get the shampoo bottle? And, where's Morgan? I'm thinking accomplice.

Yep.

Thanks Deb. Thanks a lot. Call me tomorrow.

No fries allowed....

... in the truck ever again. Ever. Eva, eva, eva, eva again. Today I had to detail my truck, before I took it to get detailed. Yes. It was that bad.

Future at MAC?

So, the boys were gone with Grammy. That leaves me sweet Morgan. I was enjoying the silence & reminiscing of how great it was to have ONE child. When suddenly, I realized, it's too quiet. In the next room, I find Morgan sitting on the floor with her blankie. "What are you doing?" Her response was, "No mommy." Red flag. Then I realize she's hugging that blankie awfully tight. And why does this girl keep holding her head down? Then I spot it. A leg. All marked up with a dark green permanent marker. "Hand it over," I say as I tug on her blankie. "No mommy." Now the tug has turned to a pull. This girl has quite the grip. But mommy wins this one. Yep, there goes the marker. Nice and hidden between her now green legs. I am mad, and she knows it. Looking at me all cute with that guilty little adorable face. Holding back the urge to kiss her, I proceed to fuss. Then I realize she's marked all over herself, not just her legs. Upon further examination, I realize that there's a pattern here. When I figure out what she's done, I bust out laughing. You should have seen the relief come over her face when I laughed. She knew she was in the clear. Then she laughs. "Funny Morgan, mommy." I said , "Yes, you sure are."

Here is my discovery:

Just looks like green everywhere, right? Take a closer look.

Now do you see it? Here, let me elaborate in this next pic.

Apparently, my daughter is very observant. She's watched mommy put on her make-up one too many times. Notice the eyes. Her 'eyeshadow' is simply gorgeus. Her 'blush' don't look so bad either. But those lips, those lips are devine. And you think she stopped there?

Ha! You are sadly mistaken:

Yep. Kid does her own manicures too.

I'm speechless. Just when you think they aren't paying attention. They are.

Pretty good, right? I'm thinking of having her hook me up a little later.

But wait! It doesn't stop there. Nope, this happens too:

Yep, you guessed it.....


You can't have a mani without a pedi!

















I love you, Morgan.

One more thing...

If your observant, you may have noticed below that my story is about my quads. Yet, only triplets are pictured. Let me go ahead and fill you in on that real quick. I don't wanna confuse you. One of our quads, Jayden, passed away at four months old. Due to complications from acid reflux. I'll get into that story another day. Today, I'm happy. I'd like to stay that way.

*Parents - If your baby has acid reflux, take this very seriously. It is not just spit up. The doctors will tell you they will grow out of it. Jayden didn't. Take your child to a G.I. and get a second opinion. Jayden died one week before he was to see a G.I.

Oh great, now I went and upset myself. OK, gotta go so I can get happy again.

Meet my posse & hear my story

Well, I guess before I get into this blog too deep, I better tell ya who I am. Oh, and I suppose you'll wanna see the kiddos I rave about 24/7. Okay, first, here's a picture of my bambinos. That way you can Ooo & Aah as you read along.

From the top we have Blas who's 11. We call him "Boy". Because I hate his name. Long story. Next to Boy is Celeste. Who just turned 14. Someone mistakenly told her that when you turn 14, you have more rights. HA HA HA HA! Whew, I needed that laugh. From the bottom we have Kyle (in orange), Morgan and Devin. Ain't they cute?? I'm a proud momma bear.


My name is Jaycee. I am a stay at home mommy and I LOVE my job. How I came to be a stay at home mommy is a story all on it's own. And I'm gonna tell it. Year 2006, me and my wonderful husband, Keldron, got pregnant. Here's a picture of me and my man. Now this was taken years ago before we had kids, and when I still had only one chin.

Ah, let me back up a bit. Celeste & Boy are from my previous mistake. I mean marriage. Anyway, 2006, Keldron knocks me up. Yay. Man, he did it right when I was dieting and actually doing good. I mean, my body was starting to rock. I bought all these cute clothes and everything. I even jogged for Pete's sake! Me, jog? Out of the question. Sorry. I tend to go off on a tangent every now and then.

So again, 2006, we were preggo. The excitement soon kicked in and I embraced my hips. I bought A crib, A dresser, A changing table. You know, all the cute stuff you would buy for A baby. We went to every check up and always loved to hear A heartbeat. Five months into my pregnancy we got the shock of a lifetime. I go in for my check up. Just a regular ol' check up. Babe, you stay home. I got this. Well, my lovely doc says, "You know, your really big for 5 months. Maybe you should go get an ultrasound." I'm thinking, IT'S ABOUT TIME! I had been bugging this lady for an ultrasound. So I can know if I should buy blue or pink. So off to the ultrasound department I go. Humming & happy cause after this, I'm going shopping! Here I am laying on the bed while my ultrasound tech is working her way around my belly. Then she says these dreaded words, "Oh, you're having twins." What? NO! Why did I get upset? Because when I got pregnant, Keldron kept being obnoxious and saying he was shooting for twins that night. Oh how I hated for him to be right. That meant he was gonna be even more obnoxious! Just from hearing twins, my mind was racing. Now I have to buy another crib. Who's gonna want to babysit twins? I'm gonna get soo fat. About 45 minutes later, my tech turns to me and nonchalantly says, "Oops, I mean triplets, your having triplets." Oops? Oops??? How do you miss a whole baby? Now fear has set in. Now I have to buy another crib. Wait... What? Did she say triplets? That's three, right? Where in the hell am I gonna put three babies? This can't be real. Pinch me. Keldron, you are a dead man. Now this is a small hospital. They've never seen triplets before. Because of that, I immediately became a freak show. Doctors, nurses, and I think I even saw a janitor, all came to see the triplets. Then they all had nerve to try and converse with me. Um, excuse me. Can't you see I'm freaking out here? The pool of sweat doesn't let you know I may not want to chit chat? Oh, and keep in mind that I was constantly asked if I took fertility. No, I didn't. Just good lovin'.

Two hours go by. I'm getting antsy. Keldron is calling and wanting to know what's taking so long. I refuse to tell him for my own selfish reasons. I wanted to see his reaction. So I kindly ask the tech, "Um, how much longer?", "Ma'am, I'm sorry, our hospital ultrasound machines are only equipped for twins. I have to measure each one individually, then start a new program for the next." Huh? Now I'm thinking, what the heck? I don't live in the country. What kind of boo boo hospital did I sign up with? Then she says, "I'm sorry ma'am. My arm is getting tired and I haven't had lunch. I'm gonna switch with another tech." Oh, am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Yes, I'm aware you haven't had lunch. We've been here together. All day. Just me and you. No lunch. No water. My back hurts. I'm grouchy. And I need to pee but they won't let me. Cause apparently a full bladder is best for the ultrasound. Blah, blah, blah. But, because I am the sweetest woman on the face of the earth, I smile and say, "okay". Here comes tech #2. She comes in, starts her job, then sets down the thingy and says she'll be right back. She brings back tech #1. Then tech #1 and tech #2 start mumbling amongst each other while they stare at the screen. Whisper. Whisper. Look at me. Whisper. Look back at the screen. Whisper. Tech #2 goes and brings back a doctor. Where they all sit, point, nod and whisper. Finally, tech #1 says, "Mrs. Mills, it appears your having quadruplets." Stupidity kicks in. "What's a quadruplet?" "That means your having four babies instead of three". WTF? I didn't say it. But I wanted to. Lady, do you have a death wish? All day you've been throwing extra babies at me, and I've just about had enough.
Now stop. Visualize. Imagine your laying on the table, surrounded by two dumb techs and a dumb doctor. Five hours ago you thought you were having one baby. Then hear it's twins. An hour later they 'happen' to find another one. That makes three. Now, nearly three hours later, they just slapped you in the face and said now it's four. What would your reaction be? Now here's mine. Please keep in mind that I am not a cusser.

"HOLY SH*T!" "ARE YOU F*ING SERIOUS?" "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SH*TTING ME." "THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING MY SH*T AND GETTING OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU FIND ANOTHER ONE!"
I don't know what came over me. But I needed that. Because once it all came out, a calmness came over me. I was more accepting to the news. Shocked still. But accepting. Sort of. Not many know this version with the cussing. I failed to mention the F bomb. I didn't want to seem... bad. I figure now I can be honest. Why not? It's two years later and I cussed at two techs and a doctor. So what.

Well, after a long and very frustrating day at the hospital, I was ready to go home and watch my hubby go through it all. He is going to freak out. This made me happy.

But guess what? I'm not gonna tell you that story today. Just because this blog is already a mile long and I don't want to scare you away. So come back and hear the rest another day. It's totally worth it.

Where do I begin?

No, seriously, I'm asking you, where do I begin? I'm new to this blogging stuff. I have no earthly idea what I am doing. So, please excuse me if I am a complete idiot for the time being. Feel free to jump in and school me if you need to! I've been stuck on myspace for the last two years and finally decided to wander out, and see what else the web world had to offer. Boy, do I regret it. So many blogs, so little time. As if myspace isn't addicting enough, I get here and forget I have to do things like sleep, eat, pee, and take care of these pesky kids. Man, they are really cutting into my cyber time.

Why do this to myself? I dunno. Oh wait, yes I do. Because my life is all about taking care of my little children. This is my semi-adult escape. Hey, it beats watching The Wiggles with the kids. Anyway, I got lots to say, but no one to say it to. My dear, sweet, hubby works all day, every day. I refuse to talk on the phone if the kids aren't napping or gone (and they are never gone). It's a waste of my energy having to struggle to try and hear the other person amidst screaming, and The Backyardigans theme blasting away in the background. And 99% of the time, that results in a HUGE headache. No one likes to visit out of fear they may, 1. be asked to change a pamper, 2. get hit upside the head with a block, 3. get interrupted every 2 minutes while I scream "stop fighting", 4. my house smells like poop, 5. I always confuse their 'visit' with 'babysitting' and excuse myself for about 45 minutes.

So here I am.

Ya know, I may have painted a not-so-pretty picture of my kids. Now, don't get me wrong, they are some little tyrants. But we have more good days than bad. Or was that more bad days than good? Anyway, I love my little rugrats (and big ones too) and can't wait to tell you all about them! It's always busy & entertaining over here. So I imagine I'll have lots to say. Stay tuned...